Sink or Swim
I remember hearing once (maybe more than that) that a person should not engage in more than one large change in their life at any one time. Unfortunately for me, it’s been my purpose in life to latch on to these things that I hear and take them out for a test drive. I must see and experience them for myself and to that end, prove the theories either correct or incorrect. It may not be as almighty important as being a purpose though. It’s more probable that I’m a stubborn bastard and when my dad used to tell to believe “none of what you hear and only half of what you see”, I took that to heart – and still do. Whatever the reason; throughout my life, this has been my Modus Operandi. Whether that has been a good thing for me or not is not important. It simply is what it is. For those of you who know me though and have followed me throughout the years, you know that in the beginning of this year I took on two major changes in my life at the same time. I started a new job and I started a new life.
This post is not meant as an update per se. I will tell you that the job is going great. In two months time, I have been been made a trainer and also a dog handler. The changes took a little to get use to but now I’m pretty much on auto-pilot and I have not been this relaxed in several years. On the flip side though, the new life part has been a trial for me and many times in the last month and a half, I have had meltdowns where I could do nothing but stare out the window, sob uncontrollably and for no apparent reason; wondering the whole time what the hell I’ve done with my life. I know from past experience that the feeling lessens over time so don’t worry. If I am nothing else, I am a fighter.
Throughout the last several months though, I have had some well meaning friends invite me to church with them. Sadly, these have not been the same people that I have been going to church with for years; but that’s another subject altogether. I guess that these well meaning folks somehow think that church presence will somehow do me some good. My story is too long to tell from the beginning though. The truth that is in a church right now it would simply feel like I was having an out of body experience; simply hovering overhead watching myself go through the motions. The only people that would benefit from my presence in church would be the well meaning friends that I am now shining on. It actually started prior to the new year but in the last few months, more than at any other time, I have pulled so far away from God that it’s as if I was sinking to the level of another conversion experience. I don’t remember a time when I was ever this low and the sad part is that I don’t believe that I have hit bottom yet. Even where I’m at now, God still loves me and speaks to me. This morning when I was in that realm that exists between asleep and aware, God spoke to me and he told me not to worry, that I was like Peter. This didn’t make sense at all until several hours later while I was taking a walk with my son.
…Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down… ~ Matthew 14:29-32
For the last seven years, I have been so focused on Jesus that I was quite literally “walking on water”. In the last few months though, I have been exactly like Peter. My concentration has turned to the tempest that surrounds me instead of staying focused on Jesus and now I am sinking; sometimes barely keeping my head above the water.
I think that it’s quite possible that in this case, the writer of Matthew may have used incorrect verbiage when attempting to communicate what Jesus was trying to say. I don’t think that there was a time when Jesus ever questioned Peter’s faith. I think that it might be more correct to think that Jesus was saying, “Dude, how many times do I have to play show and tell with you before you get this?” I have not lost my faith in Jesus, although there are some who might disagree with this assessment. What has happened is that in all of the bullshit, I have lost my focus on him and the result is that instead of cruising right through this storm as if it wasn’t there, I have succumbed to it and am now being swallowed up by it. Just like Peter though, I know that Jesus does not question my faith and when I have reached the point where I can’t keep my head above the water and I scream out to him to save me, he will be there with is loving hands to pull me from the brink; just as he has done many times before. Now the choice for me is to sink or swim and sinking is just not in my nature.
One thing seems rather clear though. In order to quell the storm, you have to be on the boat.
Mike – I have been amazed at how much grit and self determination it is taking to get me through a rough patch. Also, I have surprised by how lonely it is. I think that good is coming out of it and I don’t want to goo back to the way things were. I just hate the pain! It is a constant readjustment process and it is getting better. Hang in there!
glenn
April 19, 2009 at 11:53 am
Thanks Glenn. I’m sure there’s some purpose in all of it but for now, I just suffer. Not all the time mind you; but often. I know what you mean by being lonely. Right now, I am lonely in a room full of people
Mike
April 19, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Mike, great post. I can relate in many ways to this post that I have been waiting for! One of these days if I can ever make it up your way, I would love to talk to you about your story and share mine as well. Way to much to write in a comment. Love ya and glad to see you back blogging!
Tami
April 19, 2009 at 8:47 pm
This wasn’t even the one I was talking about. LOL Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll make it down your way!
Mike
April 20, 2009 at 3:39 am
Hey, Mike – saw your post this morning, and just wanted you to know that I’m still reading, and I’m praying for you.
I heard Rob Bell teach on this passage once, and he asked us to think about what exactly it was that Peter doubted… was it Jesus? Bell doesn’t think so. He says Peter doubted himself – that suddenly he looked at the storm and he thought, “what am I doing?!” – but his faith in Jesus never wavered. His faith in Jesus gave him the courage to get out of the boat, and it led him to call to Jesus for help when he sank. (He was a fisherman, so you would think he could swim… yet he called for help, rather than trying to save himself…hm. never thought about that before…) Food for thought. I’ve never heard anyone but Bell teach it that way, but it makes sense…
Anyway, good for you for not sinking, and knowing that He won’t ultimately let you as you put your trust in Him. And remember – while being in the boat may be the prereq to calming the storm – Jesus did that too.
Peace be with you.
- Hap
Happy
April 21, 2009 at 4:01 am
Hey Hap! ~ Great to hear from you. I agree totally and I think that my point here was that Peter lost his focus as opposed to losing his faith. I think that Jesus saying, “you of little faith” was either a translation issue by the writer of Matthew or possibly just used figuratively by Jesus as opposed to saying that Peter didn’t have faith.
It’s possible that I was vague in my point about being on the boat for the storm to calm. I think that I was trying to say, in a very indirect way, that we had to be on board.
Thanks for the prayers
Mike
April 21, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Been there, kind of still there. But it is nice for someone to point it out to me.
Nate Peres
April 21, 2009 at 6:45 pm
The Man on a Boat
There once was a man on a boat; Floating along the seas
The wind would tear at his coat; The sharks would snap at his knees.
Then one day tragedy struck; and the man’s life came apart
He lost his oars and his cloak; while finding his way in the dark.
He was alone on his lofty quest; And little did he know
How many good friends he had, but left behind on the snow.
God was always with him; The man knew this for sure
And deep in his heart and soul; He knew God’s love was pure.
He cried great tears of despair; For he wanted to be saved
Then he heard a voice in the air, “I’ll teach you to be brave.”
It whispered to him at night; When he felt tired and quite alone
The moon in the sky was bright; and he was weary to the bone.
One day the sea did open; The man cried out in fear
A friend offered him an oar, to pull him to the surface, near.
While the friend holds out the oar; He turns the friend away
The friend will have to wait; In the shadow of the western bay.
While his heart is heavy and low; And his soul confused but steady
The man must always know; The friend is at the ready.
There once was a man on a boat; Floating along the seas
He reaches out for the oar; and the oar – it sets him free.
MCM
April 21, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Ugh, I liked! So clear and positively.
Elcorin
April 22, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Hi, nice post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for sharing. I’ll certainly be subscribing to your posts.
How I Lost Thirty Pounds in Thirty Days
May 3, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Now the question is when will I be posting…..
The jury’s out
Mike
May 4, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Mike, you eloquently speak of a stuggle that everyone of us goes through sometimes many times in our life…I know I have been there, someone close to me and who you know, is there in the abyss now. I take a break from church in the summer. I make my husb. and foster son take me on the boat and we lake camp for a weekend. I sit, I read, I soak in the sun and the Fathers glory, and I recharge…just God and me on that boat having a chat that only He and I can hear. It makes a huge difference on my outlook for the rest of how ever long it is until I get there again…my silent, reflective time. Many revelations have come to me in that time, I have found that I need to just quiet myself, get the heck out of my own way and let God actually have a shot at working in and through me.
Great post…thanks for bleeding on the page…praying for you.
Phoebe Ogg
May 29, 2009 at 6:11 pm